Etiquette asks us to show interest in others personally, and what better way to show interest than to ask questions – to be curious. When I am curious about you, and really listen to you, you relate and remember me in this way. You may like or identify with me. And once liking happens, trust becomes possible, easily leading to friendship.
Being likable means that another could identify you as sympathetic. You make every attempt to understand someone and show concern for their problems or suffering. To have sympathy, a person first needs to be interested and curious about the state another person is in or a situation he is dealing with.
But curiosity without sympathy can greatly affect your likeability.
Having a desire to know is positive and necessary for being alive. We appreciate curiosity. If a teacher remarked that your child is marvelously curious, you would be pleased for sure.
But the phrase, “idle curiosity,” and the saying, “Curiosity killed the cat,” are reminders of the downside of curiosity: of the times when a person let’s himself get sidetracked or wastes time at the wrong time, delves into places that aren’t his business, or in which he is situationally unaware.
When socializing, if you engage a person who baits you with comments like, “So let’s skip the boring small talk, and get into something deeper,” you’ve probably met someone who indulges in idle curiosities.
Or when the person begins probing into yours or another’s life situation, seemingly just for the sake of gaining information, you realize you might be in the company of someone whose only intention is to seek that latest “update” or “news” about a trend or happening, rather than choosing to be interested in a conversation with you.
The trouble with the wonderful fact of curiosity is that it can crowd out sympathy.
“Jerry, you must feel pretty low since John was let go. I’m curious—how long have you been friends and when did you sense he was having problems?”
What happened here?! Your coworker began with a sympathetic statement, then asked an innocent question, but folded in a “nosey” question. That is, the information being sought was irrelevant to the situation and slipping into a shady domain.
Falling into the trap of idle curiosity happens to the best of us. By asking a few questions to check in with yourself, this can be easily avoided:
Another check point to remain etiquette-ful with curiosity means avoiding certain subjects.
There are exceptions, but in the general realm of social engagement, and particularly when you are just meeting someone, the above check points will help keep your interactions genuine.
Listen with curiosity. Speak with honestly. Act with integrity. The
greatest problem with communication is that we don’t listen to
understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t
listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the
~ Roy T. Bennett
When in conversation with someone, and having used the check points above to avoid shallowness, how do you give a sympathetic response?
First and foremost, you are ready and willing to be interested in the other person. A genuine interest automatically keeps you out of curiosity land mines and is felt by the person you are in conversation with.
Other ways to show sympathy:
As wonderful as it is, curiosity will not provide the same sense of connection as sympathy. And if there is one thing we humans need, it is to stay connected to one another.